K-Y Canada's guide to telling your partner exactly what you want

Talking about our sexual desires with our partner(s) can seem like a daunting task. There’s so much conflicting advice and expectations that shapes the societal landscape of sex, like how often to have sex, what is “normal” about sex and a sex drive, sex tips, ways to spice up sex in with a partner, and so on. Often, the best course of action is to approach it with compassion and honesty and go from there.

But if only it were that easy. Not everyone is equipped with the emotional or psychological fortitude to just ask for what they want sexually or in a sexual situation. This is a highly intimate and vulnerable situation. Sexual needs have been shrouded in shame for too long, so it may take some time and practice to advocate for the things you like.

Here, we’ll discuss why it matters to tell your partner what you prefer sexually, how to advocate for it, and general communication tips to help strengthen the bond with your partner.

Why does it matter to tell your partner what you want?

The most important reason to talk to your partner about your sexual desires is that, without being explicit and clear about them, you’re simply not going to get the kind of satisfaction you need or crave.

From a relationship standpoint, you can’t expect your partner to read your mind about the things you like. Yes, verbal cues, consent, and body language say a lot about what you do and don’t like in the bedroom. But what if you wanted to incorporate sex toys? Indulge in a fetish for the first time? Or try bringing another person into the bedroom? All of these are perfectly normal expressions of sexuality and there’s no shame in asking.

Another facet of this is perhaps your partner isn’t sure how to navigate your body and your needs, which is also perfectly okay! It takes time and guidance to get to cruising altitude levels of satisfaction.

You may have a higher sex drive that needs to be maintained, so let them know. If you’re going through different life phases, such as pregnancy or menopause, perhaps certain sex positions don’t feel good. This can be especially true for later-term pregnancies. If your partner likes doggy style but your belly is heavy, don’t hesitate to tell them it’s uncomfortable. During menopause, people often experience vaginal dryness, which is a natural occurrence in the body. Incorporating a lubricant you like, such as K-Y^® LUBRICANT^*, is great — it means less friction and more foreplay, fun, and stimulation. Tell your partner.

Advocate for what you desire

Advocating for your sexual needs should always be a top priority when it comes to sex. You can express your desires across while still valuing and respecting what your partner enjoys.

Be clear your needs and be respectful of theirs. Talk about this from your perspective of what you like, and how you want your body to feel, such as “I love when you go slow—it feels more intense.”
Let them know if something feels uncomfortable. It’s not always going to be perfect on the first go. Give your partner a clear and considerate head’s up if something they did sexually wasn’t exactly what you wanted, like “Next time, I’d love it if we tried a different position than on top because it feels uncomfortable for me.”
Be vulnerable. Good sex is built on intimacy because it can be a very intimate act. Advocating for yourself is an act of vulnerability and can help in building or rebuilding intimacy in your sex life with your partner. For example, you could ask “Can you use more lubricant next time? It really turns me on and I like how it feels with you.”

Communication tips to strengthen your sex life

Set aside time to talk about intimacies, vulnerabilities and sexual desires.
Keep things positive rather than pointing out how they got it wrong.
Sometimes, ‘show, don’t tell’ works the best.
Try to be as patient with each other as possible, even if communicating gets a little rocky.

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